I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[eulogy]
line?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*