I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
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When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Miscakes
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard