Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.