I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
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Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed