@roxiqt: I'm tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
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@ClichedOut: [watching video of an amazing feat] Age 20: i could do that Age 30: he's amazing Age 40: doesn't that guy work
@ShittingtonUK: Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
@TheRolo: [Sees restaurant is packed] *Pays hostess $20 to read note* "Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street" *Hipsters clear*
@MandiAtRandom: "Can you cook dinner tonight?" Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light
@Brianhopecomedy: I inform my 4 year old that she's going to a friend's house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we're going 6000 times.
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