I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
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Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon