I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
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my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
A bold strategy
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.