i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Moms. The original autocorrect.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.