@Big_Cat74: “Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” - People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

@theshantilly: Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

@beefman138: If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : "He said, stupidly."

@liv_thatsme: I don't like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.

@MartaEffing: *leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop* Me: how much for the entire case? Donut shop clerk: ma'am, $8.99 a dozen