i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.