@Screwoff315: I'm tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!
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@DudeImShawn: Math problem: Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
@abhorrent_wife: Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.
@TitaniumToplass: The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you're fired. WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS? India's tiger population is up 30%!