“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.