My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
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If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs