I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
SF is the wild wild west man
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools