I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.