I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
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My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
How it started: How it’s going:
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
the three branches of government
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza