I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
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I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?