I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
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date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets