I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
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My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong