I’m too immature for adultery.
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Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Spa day..😅
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.