I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
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Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.