I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
You Might Also Like
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
lmao
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“What?”
– Jude
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Not all heroes wear capes.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously