I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Hank is one in a melon.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.