i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I love art.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Safety first
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.