i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
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Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.