[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.