I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now