I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
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I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”