I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
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Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.