[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
want me to check your oil?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.