me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
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Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.