I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
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Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.