I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
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me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
それは草
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”