I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
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“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”