I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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My dad.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.