@carlyken: I'm trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he's pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [buys plastic lightsabers for the kids] 5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken. Me: What's wrong with it? 5: It doesn't even cut off arms.
@TheMichaelRock: If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there's no need to vote for Trump.