@carlyken: I'm trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he's pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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@MountainDouche: If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It's only fair.
@jeannes_jargon: Facebook: Essential oils. Snapchat: I'm a bunny! Instagram: I ate a hamburger. Twitter: THIS COUNTRY IS BURNING TO THE GROUND.
@freypalm: Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job. Me: [painting the cat's claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
@gwatts77: If I donate blood and you're in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don't blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.