BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first