*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
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1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”