I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
You Might Also Like
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.