I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
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We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One