[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.