I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
i smell a pulitzer
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Me: how are you
Friday: good
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud