How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
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My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Fights fire with marshmallows
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends