@markleggett: I'm using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.
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@flashember: WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING
@Mr_Kapowski: If I was a villain, my weapon would be a fan and a bag of eyelashes for blinding superheroes I'm a villain, don't ask how I get my weapons
@Wtftab: I've got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
@NicestHippo: "Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?" - podium salesman