@markleggett: I'm using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.
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@david8hughes: [puts dog in car] Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet Wife: why u whispering [car screeches away] Me with wife in headlock: thats why
@yerpalmildsauce: Here it is, folks: "Do imaginary octopi have ... (wait for it) (wait for it) PRETENDACLES?"
@TarzanFeathers: When someone says "The last thing I'd want to do is hurt you", I'm wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.