Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
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The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Do one person every day that scares you.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.