“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
You Might Also Like
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.