“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?