Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son