Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
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I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Fiction has to make sense.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.