I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
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My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
the official breakfast of 2021
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.