I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.