I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”