@DougStanhope: I'm watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
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@TheMichaelRock: The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.
@squirrel74wkgn: "What's funny?" The microwave beeping as you walked backwards. "Why's that funny?" Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
@Glitta_J: If im walking around with my arms crossed, there's a 90% chance im not mad...Im just probably not wearing a bra
@Fred_Delicious: [goes to museum of fine art] "Just how fine can this art be, anyway" [sees a vase in a thong] "oh damn"