Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
You Might Also Like
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Please do it!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*