I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
ugh not again
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Home is where your toilet is.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work